Step 1
“We admitted we were powerless over food- that our lives had become unmanageable”.
This first step has proven a life long journey for me. When I first came to Overeaters Anonymous I knew that I had a problem with food and weight. I knew that the amount of food I consumed, my shame around what I ate, and my desire to hide or lie about what I consumed were abnormal. I also knew that I was miserable but somehow, at the time I was not able to see that these two were connected. It never occurred to me that I the way I engaged with food and my body wasn’t because I was somehow defective or broken, but because I was powerless over food’s effects over me. That I, for some unknown reason had been born with a physical allergy to certain foods and unless I avoided said foods, I could not avoid the cascade of unfortunate events that would typically follow. It took me years both inside and outside of the rooms of Overeaters Anonymous to truly accept this fact about myself. In the chapter More About Alcoholism from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it states that “No person likes to think that he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows.” This was certainly the case with me. I have tried for years to manage my consumption but the more I tried to control food, the more it seemed to control me.
Eventually, after years of failed attempts at trying to control food and worsening mental and physical health, I was finally ready to accept that I was truly a compulsive overeater and was different than other people who do not have this compulsion. I was finally ready to accept step 1. I have had to accept my powerlessness over food as a fundamental truth in the same way that I accept my height, eye color, and race as fundamental truths that are neither good nor bad, but rather just are. The acceptance of this truth has released me from the endless cycle of bingeing, restricting, and shame. It has also opened me up to growth both emotionally and spiritually that years of therapy and religious practice were never able to give me. The acceptance of this step and those that follow have changed me as a person and have allowed me to have experiences that years spent in my eating disorder robbed me of. This step and the 12 step program as a whole have given me a chance at life.
Despite the miracle that Step 1 started in my life, I have had to re-visit this step many times in my years in recovery. It is easy for me to forget this fundamental truth about myself. Unfortunately, when I do forget this truth, it is usually caused by the pain of being in the food that forces me to return again to this step and be reminded of my true nature as a compulsive overeater.
