My favorite four-letter word
I don’t have adequate words to describe how powerful the word “hope” is for me. Emily Dickinson’s quote about this speaks to me profoundly: “Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all” (For Today, p. 106)
Hope is one of the most precious gifts I have received from OA. During my first few years in program, I didn’t use many of the tools or work the steps, so of course my recovery was quite limited. I attended a weekly meeting and shared there, worked with a sponsor (somewhat), journaled, and read literature. Although I wasn’t binging as often, I wasn’t willing to let go of food to address whatever aspect of life I didn’t like at the time. Some days I let myself get sucked WAY back into the insanity of my disease and after abusing myself with truly obscene quantities of food, I’d struggle mightily with the food hangover and self-loathing that invariably ensued.
I am incredibly grateful that I never stopped trying altogether. After being introduced to meetings and the compassionate and giving souls who attended them, I was hooked! It was the one place where I could be myself and disclose what was in my head and heart without fear. I could be open about all of my shameful actions regarding food and articulate the countless sick thoughts that rumbled around in my head. What a refreshing change from feeling compelled to wear a “mask” that I put on when interacting with “Earth People!” I was afraid that people wouldn’t like or respect the “real” me, so I tried to portray an image of someone I thought they would like instead.
But in OA, despite my choosing to do the next “wrong” thing repeatedly, people supported me and wanted to help. As long as I was willing to take any kind of miniscule action toward recovery (e.g., show up at a meeting after having binged all the way over), there was hope. I clung to that belief repeatedly and it kept me from walking away from program, which I’m sure that would have had disastrous consequences for me.
I am so very grateful for discovering this beautiful fellowship and for HP making me willing to keep coming back, no matter what!
Love in Recovery,
Annette S.
